Life after loss

It's been a long time since my last post and so much has happened. I can't even begin to fill in the blanks. I'm still healing and I suspect I will be healing for the rest of my life. I don't know that you ever get over losing someone you grew inside your own body. One thing I know for sure is even with the incredibly unbearable pain, I would do it all over again if it meant I got to hug my sweet boy and tell him I love him just one more time. But moving forward, I now know what a "normal" life is like because I finally have one. It was hard won and I never take it for granted. Sadly, after spending the majority of my life consumed with caring for ill children, I now find it difficult to make friends. When my peers were spending their weekends going to parties and hanging out with friends, I was spending mine cleaning up baby puke and trying to figure out how to be somebody's wife. My so-called best friend wanted nothing to do with me once she found out I was pregnant my senior year in high school. Losing that friendship was so hard and I tried to pretend it wasn't but it kind of broke me. I missed having girlfriends to talk to but it would be years before I allowed anyone behind my self-imposed walls. Nearly 30 years and numerous failed friendships later, there was one person who grabbed a sledgehammer and helped me break down those walls. That person was Carrie. She wasn't afraid of speaking the truth and she was exactly what I needed. I finally found a friend who knew how to be a friend and thankfully, my screwed up dysfunctional life didn't scare her away. She loved me and my family and when I got too serious, she showed me how to say screw this! Then we went shopping. She was the best friend I ever had......until the day she died. Cut to today. I still don't allow many people into my world for fear of getting hurt and all of our friends are couple friends, meaning they are actually only friends with me because of my outgoing and very friendly hubby. I have tried to make girlfriends after losing Carrie but, so far, I don't seem to be able to find any that actually follow through with plans to get together. My life now is built around spending time with the man I love and traveling when we can. This last year we got side tracked a bit when we became caregivers again for our daughter while she got her much-needed bone marrow transplant. But she is doing well now and our life is back on track. I don't take it for granted for one single moment. I know how fragile life is and how it can all be gone in the blink of an eye. I recently had a small personal crisis when I allowed an insecure boss to make me second guess myself. I cried and sulked for a few days until I finally came to my wits and said, "screw this"! Carrie would be laughing her butt off at me. I have a few years to go before I am ready to retire but that incident helped me realize that I can't wait. There is a whole big world and a lot of beaches out there just waiting for the hubby and me to explore.