Where Did That Come From?

It came out of nowhere. A sudden fit of rage overtook me quickly and violently. The recipient? An electric cat litter box! I had crunched litter under my bare feet for the last time and I was going to punish the sinister machine that spewed the tiny little balls of clay all over my laundry room floor. Never mind that it is an inanimate object, incapable of feeling my wrath. It must be punished. I removed the foot-plate and slammed it against the body of this evil litter spitting machine. Nothing. Not even a groan. I slammed it again. Still nothing. I grabbed the broom and began to sweep the floor vigorusly, sending little pebbles of cat litter flying in all directions. Great, now I've just made more work for myself. Suddenly, I am crying. Oh, now I get it. This is grief. Well, the anger stage of it anyway.

I still can't figure out why I'm angry or where it came from. I don't think I am mad at God and I know I'm not mad at my precious little B-man. I think maybe that I'm just angry at the whole situation. I mean, I worked for twenty four years to get to the point that I was at in life when suddenly, it was all gone. Poof! No more B-man. Life as I knew it had just been turned upside down and shaken, letting all of it's contents fall helpessly to the ground, the most important piece was removed and then my life was just thrown aside. How could I ever fix this? It's like putting a puzzle together, only to find out that you are missing the last piece. Without it, the puzzle just isn't complete. That's my life right now, incomplete.

So how did a cat litter box come under fire? Good question. I don't have that answer. In fact, I don't have the answer to a lot of questions right now. I realize I may never have answers. But thankfully, my outburst was short-lived and the litter box forgiving. Later that day, I heard it happily scooping kitty poo just like nothing ever happened. Was that the last time my grief would show up as anger? I don't know but I cannot and will not live in fear of my emotions. If it happens, so be it. I will better understand the reasoning.