It has been a rough few weeks for our family. B-man's weight continues to drop as he refuses to eat and even the g-button feeds are not helping. His skin has become paper thin an even the smallest scratch becomes a big infection. On top of all of this, I somehow managed to hurt my wrist so now I am in a brace that does not allow for me to do many of of daily chores. I am abl eto do B-man's care but with great difficulty and probably at a detriment to the healing process of my wrist. It it painful, yet I am chosing to not take any pain medications that would possibly interfere with B-man's safety of me caring for him while "under the influence" of a narcotic analgesic.
I am in a constant state of worry about him. We have always understood that his time on earth would be shortened. However, after 24 years with him, I am not ready to let go. So, I continue to fight for him, even when I can clearly see that he himself is no longer fighting, nor is his body in a position to allow him to fight. I am still not over greiving the loss of my best friend yet, I DO NOT want to lose my baby as well. I don't feel like I could survive it emotionally. I am teetering at best right now. Never in my life have I had such feelings of despair as now. I have always been able to withstand anything that life threw at me and smile anyway. Not right now.
I am aware that grief can cause these huge emotional storms as well as the fluctuating perimenopausal hormone levels. I am in hopes that soon, I can work my way through these evil joy stealers and find my happiness for good once again. I do not like feeling like this. It makes me feel weak. I continue to pray but I think God is on vacation with no cell service at the moment. So, for now, I just keep leaving messages that my power is out. Hopefully, He will return soon.
~Ginger~
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Moody Blues
Normally, I am a glass half full kinda girl. I accept life at face value and try to use humor as much as possible. However, lately I have been grumpy, irritable and just downright moody. I cry for no apparent reason and snap at my poor sweet unsuspecting hubby. What is going on? I feel like I am Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde! I highly suspect a combination of hormones and lingering grief are to blame. I have been offered a supplement for the hormone issue but do not choose to go that route. I don't like drugs. I have a small pharmacy as it is what with all of B-man's meds so I really do not favor adding anything else to the lot. As for the grief, well,I guess only time can heal a hurting heart.
I miss my friend very much. There aren't any other girlfriends that I talk to on a regular basis. When we moved, I left them all behind and now that I am basically a stay at home mom, I really have no way to make other friends. I have attempted to start up a group of other mom's with adult children that have special needs but so far, I am the only one that seems to have any real interest in it. Both times I have set up nights out, most everyone backs out. The first one, only one person came and this last one, only two people showed up. I guess two is better than none though. Really, I am just lonely. I will get over it eventually...I hope. I have never felt this alone before. My friend was always there to hang out with, go shopping or just grab lunch. Now, it is just B-man and me going out to eat or shopping. I miss the girl talk, heck I just miss any talk. With B-man being non-verbal, I do all the talking. I have to admit though, he is the best secret keeper EVER!
The other problem is one of judgement. My friend's hubby is beginning to date again. It has only been barely 3 months, shouldn't he still be grieving as well? He takes his new "friend" to very nice restaurants, much nicer than anywhere he ever took his wife. That makes me hurt for my friend. I feel like she is being betrayed. I know, it isn't any of my business but I am still grieving her loss so badly and I cannot even imagine if it had been my spouse that at only 3 months out, I would be anywhere near ready to date again. It just gets to me, that's all. My hubby said even he is bothered by it all but they are friends and so he keeps quiet. I fear that he will soon invite her to one of our little get togethers. What will I do? How will I act? What will I say? Hopefully, I will have the answers to these questions before I actually need them!
As for my mood, I want to feel better. It seems that along with the bad mood comes aches and pains that I have never had before. I am ready for these to go away as well. I am sure that stress plays a major role somewhere in all of this because B-man has been having feeding problems and Sissy has been in the hospital.(Thankfully, she was released last night and is now feeling better.) My kids really do keep me on my toes. I am always saying that I simply do not have time to be ill myself because I am so busy caring for them. Speaking of which, I'd better go to bed...the feedings begin at 0500!
~Ginger~
I miss my friend very much. There aren't any other girlfriends that I talk to on a regular basis. When we moved, I left them all behind and now that I am basically a stay at home mom, I really have no way to make other friends. I have attempted to start up a group of other mom's with adult children that have special needs but so far, I am the only one that seems to have any real interest in it. Both times I have set up nights out, most everyone backs out. The first one, only one person came and this last one, only two people showed up. I guess two is better than none though. Really, I am just lonely. I will get over it eventually...I hope. I have never felt this alone before. My friend was always there to hang out with, go shopping or just grab lunch. Now, it is just B-man and me going out to eat or shopping. I miss the girl talk, heck I just miss any talk. With B-man being non-verbal, I do all the talking. I have to admit though, he is the best secret keeper EVER!
The other problem is one of judgement. My friend's hubby is beginning to date again. It has only been barely 3 months, shouldn't he still be grieving as well? He takes his new "friend" to very nice restaurants, much nicer than anywhere he ever took his wife. That makes me hurt for my friend. I feel like she is being betrayed. I know, it isn't any of my business but I am still grieving her loss so badly and I cannot even imagine if it had been my spouse that at only 3 months out, I would be anywhere near ready to date again. It just gets to me, that's all. My hubby said even he is bothered by it all but they are friends and so he keeps quiet. I fear that he will soon invite her to one of our little get togethers. What will I do? How will I act? What will I say? Hopefully, I will have the answers to these questions before I actually need them!
As for my mood, I want to feel better. It seems that along with the bad mood comes aches and pains that I have never had before. I am ready for these to go away as well. I am sure that stress plays a major role somewhere in all of this because B-man has been having feeding problems and Sissy has been in the hospital.(Thankfully, she was released last night and is now feeling better.) My kids really do keep me on my toes. I am always saying that I simply do not have time to be ill myself because I am so busy caring for them. Speaking of which, I'd better go to bed...the feedings begin at 0500!
~Ginger~
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Trip Of A Lifetime
If you are the parent of a child with special needs then you most likely have heard the poem "Welcome to Holland". It uses the analogy of being on a flight to a particular destination then, upon arrival, finding out you landed in a foreign country where you know no one and don't speak the language. Well, being the parent of a child with special needs is exactly like that.
Twenty four years ago, I was traveling along in life, enjoying the ride, thinking it was quite a lovely trip. Then one day without warning, my itenerary changed without prior notification. My destination was no longer where I wanted to go. "I didn't sign up for this", I protested. I felt like my complaints fell on deaf ears. "HELLO? Are you hearing me? This is NOT where I am supposed to be!" Still nothing. Then, I asked the million dollar question..."Why?"
Most of the time I love Holland. My favorite thing is the smiles. They are big, warm and unconditional. But I don't always like Holland. I especially dislike the pain and illness. Often there is a lot of those two things here. However, now that I am here, I never want to leave. Oh, I still dream of that other destination I had in mind so many years ago but leaving Holland would mean that I would have to do so without my sweet little B-man. Holland is his home, he knows nothing else...yet. I realize that one day we both must leave Holland and go our separate ways. It is not something I like to think about but I know it is there. We have been in Holland far longer than anyone predicted and for that, I am ever grateful.
My question has never been answered. I have learned to be amused by sudden changes in plans instead of annoyed. I have met people that I would have never gotten the chance to meet. I have been directed in a career path that I would have never pursued without this experience. But most of all I have learned to stop asking "Why" and instead to say "Thank You".
Yes, it was a shock to wake up in such a foreign country but it has become a most incredible journey filled with more love that I ever thought possible.
~Ginger
Twenty four years ago, I was traveling along in life, enjoying the ride, thinking it was quite a lovely trip. Then one day without warning, my itenerary changed without prior notification. My destination was no longer where I wanted to go. "I didn't sign up for this", I protested. I felt like my complaints fell on deaf ears. "HELLO? Are you hearing me? This is NOT where I am supposed to be!" Still nothing. Then, I asked the million dollar question..."Why?"
Most of the time I love Holland. My favorite thing is the smiles. They are big, warm and unconditional. But I don't always like Holland. I especially dislike the pain and illness. Often there is a lot of those two things here. However, now that I am here, I never want to leave. Oh, I still dream of that other destination I had in mind so many years ago but leaving Holland would mean that I would have to do so without my sweet little B-man. Holland is his home, he knows nothing else...yet. I realize that one day we both must leave Holland and go our separate ways. It is not something I like to think about but I know it is there. We have been in Holland far longer than anyone predicted and for that, I am ever grateful.
My question has never been answered. I have learned to be amused by sudden changes in plans instead of annoyed. I have met people that I would have never gotten the chance to meet. I have been directed in a career path that I would have never pursued without this experience. But most of all I have learned to stop asking "Why" and instead to say "Thank You".
Yes, it was a shock to wake up in such a foreign country but it has become a most incredible journey filled with more love that I ever thought possible.
~Ginger
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