Storms Within

Grieving is a unique emotion. It has no clear cut path. It ambles around, meandering in and out of sight. Today is one of those days it has chosen to show itself. Although I have tried to contain it, it will not be contained. Even when the sun is shining, there is a darkness surrounding me that keeps me feeling trapped like a prisoner. I want to escape this gloomy existence and feel the light warm my face again. To be free is to accept the unacceptable. I have chosen the darkness over acceptance. Why is it so hard to let go?

Moo baby is grieveing in her own three year old way as well. She has chosen to take Bryan with her where ever she goes. He eats with her, plays with her, goes to potty with her and even gets into trouble with her. Sissy overheard her yelling at him and Moo baby's reason was because she was mad at him for leaving her. Yes, she is grieving like the rest of us.

I am job searching at the moment. I need a new nursing career, something that does not leave me isolated in the home with a disabled child. I need to be surrounded by people. I need friends. However, even in the midst of a crowd, I am alone. The job I seek is just out of reach. Interviews come and go but so far, I have received no offers. The friends I need are out of reach as well. I feel as if my darkness is following me. Visible to the naked eye.

How then, do I continue on in this obliterating pain? As my one confidant has instructed me, one minute at a time.