Giving Thanks

I have been negligent in my writing as of late. Somehow, finding the right words has been difficult for me. I usually just speak from my heart and the words seem to flow, but my heart has been congested with so many conflicting emotions lately that it has been impossible for me to decipher them into any legible description.

I receive daily emails from a grief support group which explains many of the strange emotions I have been feeling. Happiness is an emotion that I have always struggled to achieve anyway, so the absence of it would seem natural. However, I have actually had some fleeting moments of happiness which confuses me and leaves me feeling guilty. I do not want anyone to think that I am not still grieving the loss of my most precious little man but remaining in the depths of dispair is not in my nature either. Buddy and I have always used humor to alieviate the unplesantness in our world.

I am happy that B-man does not have to endure the twice daily breathing treatments and chest physiotherapy treatments or "beatments" as I called them. I hated doing them as much as, I am sure, he hated receiving them. He is no longer trapped in a body which does not allow him to communicate or move freely. He, also, no longer needs the twenty or so medications each day or the formula supplement that left him bloated and uncomfortable. Most of all, I have the assurance that I will, one day, see him again and this comforts me immeasurably.

Life is going on and I am living it. I have new job that keeps me busy and allows me to interact with children (some with special needs) and reassure and teach parents. Even with years of experience, it comes with a steep learning curve and my doctor is not a friendly person. Personality aside, he is brilliant in his field and I have much to learn from him. I am dedicated and resiliant so I fully expect to do well in this position. My family is a constant source of both support and frustration, as I suspect most families can be. However, I love each of them and cherish each moment I can spend with them. Yes, life is going on.