When I was a little girl, I had a baby doll that I took everywhere. To me she was real. However, she never had a name. I don't remember why I never named her. Maybe I just couldn't think of a name that suited her. Anyway, my mom just called her the baby that I carried around too much and it stuck. To this day I still have baby that I carried around too much. She now resides in Bryan's room. Which, of course, is no longer Bryan's room, yet somehow, will always be Bryan's room. Funny how things and people get their name. I was named Ginger. Not Virginia, just Ginger. It's like my mom knew I would have red hair. My name, although often considered a nickname, suits me. I am a Ginger, right down to my spitfire attitude. Which I am currently working on after being berated for something I wrote in an earlier post. No, I will not point it out nor remove it. It is my feelings and although I have apologized to the offended party, it stays.
We are coming up on 11 months after saying goodbye to our sweet B-man and I am no closer to clearing out his room than I was in those first few days. I have done some re-arranging and storing of items which has allowed us to put a home gym and treadmill in there as well as Moo Baby's toys. You may ask how does it all fit? The answer to that is simple. He had a huge bedroom. It was designed as a mother-in-law suite and he got it all. It was perfect for him. The whole house itself was perfect for him. He was, in fact, the reason we bought such a large home. Now, with just the two of us, half of the house is seldom used. It is sad really. There used to be loud and fun-filled parties here that often ended out by the pool well after midnight. Now, we are thrilled to just have a neighbor drop by with a mishandled piece of mail. The house even has a name, "Seven Palms". So named for the seven little plam trees planted around the pool that first summer we lived here. Sadly, the last freeze took the life of six of those beautiful trees. If fact, the life feels drained from our once lively home as well. Missing are a good friend and a happy little man. Two very special people.
What will it take to breathe life back into this nearly comatose hacienda? Moo baby's laughter? For a short while maybe. I fear the draw of it has expired along with the reason for it's being. We have pondered more than once, selling it and moving to a smaller home. One that does not echo the sounds of the past like a haunting melody that awakens me from a restless sleep. But a new place would be bereft of the scuff marks left behind by a Rudy driven wheelchair run amok. It would not know the sounds of a really great belly laugh after the owner of that incredible laugh had knocked over chairs just to hear the noise. It would not have the telltale ramps and lifts that reveal the abilities of a previous occupant. No, I think I Seven Palms is exactly where we need to be....for now.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
New Year, New Start
As the New Year, 2011, came into being, I allowed myself to let go of 2010, with all of it's pain and grief and embraced this year as a new beginning. That is not to say all of my grieving is over because I will miss my son until the day I am reunited with him in heaven and I continue to battle the tears at times. However, I am ready to let go of the past because it is over and there is nothing I can do to change it. Life goes on and so must I. Funny thing though, right as I sat down to write this post, I received a text from a very dear friend telling me that she had just given birth to a precious baby boy not quite 2 hours ago. I am thrilled for her and her journey with this new little life. I am also a bit envious because she is getting to start again after having already reared 2 handsome, well behaved young men. I have no doubt that this new little boy will be just as loved.
My child bearing years are over so having another baby isn't in my future. What is in my future is an incredible life with a man I have loved since I was sixteen years old. Hopefully, our own journey will continue for many more years to come. We have chosen a beautiful destination in which to celebrate our upcoming thirtieth wedding anniverary and where we will renew our vows. I am very excited. This is the wedding I have dreamed of for many years. It will take place on the beach at sunset, barefoot, with flowers in my hair. Sounds cheesy, I know, but we have been through a lot together in thirty years and we deserve this little bit of indulgence. The fact that he would want to marry me again is, to be quite honest, shocking. I can be quite a handful at times. I have a temper that only a true redhead can, I am opinionated, hard-headed and I fight for what I believe with all my might. But despite all that, my incredible hubby loves me. I am a blessed woman.
This time last year we were only planning a cruise for our anniversary because our dream beach wedding would not have been possible with a disabled child in a wheelchair. Our lives were much more compicated and so entangled in his that somewhere, along the way, we lost ourselves. We were never a normal couple by any stretch of the imagination. As I have mentioned before, just taking a trip to the supermarket was an orchestration of timing and planning. Today, our lives have, for the first time in twenty nine years, become our own, to do with as we want. It is not a welcome luxury, it is a loss that we are both struggling to embrace.
We both catch ourselves thinking how we are going to do certain things and then it hits us...we don't have to worry about that any more. For anyone reading this that has never raised a child with disabilities, you cannot understand how hard managing even the simplest of daily activities can be. How a normally fun thing like taking your child to the circus can turn into a fight with the box office just to get a seat that is accessible so your child can enjoy the show. Or how when you take your child to the zoo and HE turns into the attraction being stared at by others. But you also cannot know how much joy is received from the accomplishment of even the most simple things like when we would lay down in the floor and wind up toys for our twenty-four year old son just to see that big beautiful smile spread across his face.
So, yes, I will treat this new year as my, no, our new beginning. A chance to live life differently, more passionately, more simply and with eyes wide open.
My child bearing years are over so having another baby isn't in my future. What is in my future is an incredible life with a man I have loved since I was sixteen years old. Hopefully, our own journey will continue for many more years to come. We have chosen a beautiful destination in which to celebrate our upcoming thirtieth wedding anniverary and where we will renew our vows. I am very excited. This is the wedding I have dreamed of for many years. It will take place on the beach at sunset, barefoot, with flowers in my hair. Sounds cheesy, I know, but we have been through a lot together in thirty years and we deserve this little bit of indulgence. The fact that he would want to marry me again is, to be quite honest, shocking. I can be quite a handful at times. I have a temper that only a true redhead can, I am opinionated, hard-headed and I fight for what I believe with all my might. But despite all that, my incredible hubby loves me. I am a blessed woman.
This time last year we were only planning a cruise for our anniversary because our dream beach wedding would not have been possible with a disabled child in a wheelchair. Our lives were much more compicated and so entangled in his that somewhere, along the way, we lost ourselves. We were never a normal couple by any stretch of the imagination. As I have mentioned before, just taking a trip to the supermarket was an orchestration of timing and planning. Today, our lives have, for the first time in twenty nine years, become our own, to do with as we want. It is not a welcome luxury, it is a loss that we are both struggling to embrace.
We both catch ourselves thinking how we are going to do certain things and then it hits us...we don't have to worry about that any more. For anyone reading this that has never raised a child with disabilities, you cannot understand how hard managing even the simplest of daily activities can be. How a normally fun thing like taking your child to the circus can turn into a fight with the box office just to get a seat that is accessible so your child can enjoy the show. Or how when you take your child to the zoo and HE turns into the attraction being stared at by others. But you also cannot know how much joy is received from the accomplishment of even the most simple things like when we would lay down in the floor and wind up toys for our twenty-four year old son just to see that big beautiful smile spread across his face.
So, yes, I will treat this new year as my, no, our new beginning. A chance to live life differently, more passionately, more simply and with eyes wide open.
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