B-man and his very proud Mom

B-man and his very proud Mom

Monday, August 30, 2010

Crying, Laughing, Cruising and Healing

Buddy and I just returned from, what I think was, the best vacation we have ever taken. We didn't go anywhere new or do anything we hadn't already done before but this time we were finally able to relax. That is a very new concept for the both of us. In the past, we have always had worries to think about on our trips. If B-man did not go on the trip with us, we were worried about him. How is he doing? Is he eating enough? Does our family know what to do if he becomes ill or has a seizure? These were always nagging questions in the back of our minds. If B-man was on the vacation with us, we still had worries. What happens if he gets sick in this third world country? Are there stairs we have to tackle on this excursion? Can they get his wheelchair safely on the tender to the island? Will they be able to prepare his meals correctly? That isn't even mentioning the preparations it took just to get him ready for the vacation. There were hours of planning involved. "Just in case" prescriptions to be filled, long chats with the special needs planner for our trip and two full suitcases of just the necessities such as diapers, pads, creams, lotions, medications and special formulas. Then there was the required equipment; CPT vest, wheelchair, folding adult stroller, nebulizer and bath chair. It was quite an arduoous process for one week of "relaxation". Ha! That was the goal that somehow was never quite achieved.

Shortly after B-man left us, a well meaning friend suggested that Buddy and I go away for a week or so to reconnect. I couldn't even think that far in advance at the time and quickly shot back a resounding "Not yet!" at him. He said, "Well, think about it, I think it would be good for you both". Turns out, he was right. It was very good for us. I'm not sure I have ever been that relaxed in the past 24 years. I knew that vacations were supposed to be a time of rejuvenation and I never understood why so many people kept saying how relaxing their vacations had been when all I felt was stressed out on mine. I kept thinking, "What am I doing wrong that I can't seem to relax?" Turns out, I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was doing everything right but circumstances kept me from ever being able to fully let go and relax. However, having said that, I wouldn't take for any of the trips we took with our little B-man. He loved every one of them. He was able to experience far more than ever thought possible in his life and seeing him enjoy himself was worth every moment I had spent agonizing over the details and logistics.

Our trip began with tears...mine. We talked about B-man on the drive to the ships port and I shed many a tear during that three hours. I was missing my little man and wishing he were with us. We had planned earlier in the summer to take a late summer early fall cruise with him. I wanted to take him to Jamaica, our most favorite island of all time. I wanted him to see the stingrays in Grand Cayman and to ride the fast speed boat Twister to Passion Island. I had all of these things planned to share with him. It was a loss all over again. By the time we reached the port I had managed to dry my tears and willed myself to smile and have fun. We were even laughing about the expression on B-man's face when a monkey in Honduras took a big bite out of the arm rest on his wheelchair. It was hysterical. That same monkey soon found the many keychains dangling from B-man's backpack quite intriquing and later made off with the hand sanitizer that had been attached to the backpack as well.

Having taken advantage of an offer to upgrade to a suite, we were given VIP boarding privilage which allowed us to be among the first to board. Our suite was huge by ship standards and we were shocked at the amount of space we had. No more fighting over clothes racks or sink space. We each had our own closet and sink as well as a jetted tub and shower. We also had a king sized bed, separate sitting area, and a balcony that was twice the size of the one we had in the past. There was even a mirrored bar with a mini fridge and a sit down vanity with lighted mirror. We were impressed and felt a bit spoiled. It was wonderful and we both agreed, this is the way to cruise!

We had pre-booked our excursions so we didn't have to scramble to get the best ones before they sold out. Our excursions did not dissappoint and we laughed, drank, danced, snorkeled and partied on a catamaran in Jamaica. We held and even kissed stingrays in Grand Cayman and tore out across the ocean in a speed boat doing 360 degree turns at 45mph in Cozumel, getting sprayed by the ocean and drenched with each turn and all the while laughing like crazy. Spending time on the beach for me meant having a cold margarita in one hand and my camera in the other while snapping shots of palm trees gently blowing in the breeze against a backdrop of turquoise water. For Buddy it meant a margarita in one hand and a Cuban cigar in the other sitting back under a palapa and just chilling. It was a great feeling. Soon we both acknowledged that it was okay to feel happy again, even necessasary. I think we had to do that in order to make sure what we were feeling was valid. We knew that the trip was going to be good for us when we were both able to let go of so much pent up pain so early on. It was quite a breakthrough in our recovery. So this is what it is to relax? I never wanted to leave.

We made plans for another cruise before we left and even pre-booked to take advantage of the extra onboard credits we would receive. Now we are looking forward to the next time we can truly relax. Maybe we will forgo the excursions in favor of more beach time. Arriving home to reality doesn't seem so bad when you already have plans for more fun. I could get used to this thing called relaxation.

2 comments:

  1. Ginger - I'm so happy to read this! You deserve the biggest room on the ship. You have worked so hard for so many years. I know you miss B-man terribly, but I'm so glad you were able to really relax and have fun.((hugs))

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  2. So glad to hear that you were able to let go of some of the pain and enjoy your vacation. You and Buddy both desreve it! You did so much for B-man over the last 24 years. Now it is time you do some things for the both of you. I was happy to see that you went ahead with the trip and had a great time.

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