As I stated in my first blog, my subjects will often be off topic. Today is one of those times. You see, my best friend is dying. She has stage 4 colon cancer that was found two years ago. She now has been told that if her last ditch effort chemo trial does not work, she will have only about six months left. Just a short two months ago, she was a vibrant and pain-free woman that refused to let cancer win.

Today, she is in near constant pain and has admitted defeat. I could just kick her oncologist for giving her a "death sentence"! Yes, we all knew that stage 4 cancer is not curable, but at least she always had hope and determination. That is gone thanks to a doctor, once again, playing God. Why do they do that? How can they make that determination? I fully believe in the will to live. Why would you purposefully destroy that energy? As a nurse, I see things from not only a scientific view but an emotional one as well. My friend had that energy...until last week. I have seen her deteriorate more in one week than in all of the previous two years combined. Even when the toxic drugs of chemo ravaged her body, making her nauseous and weak, that spark of determination was still present. She has a cruise booked for Christmas, she no longer thinks she will be able to go. Just two weeks ago, she was making plans for a dog sitter and thinking about what clothes she needed to buy. Today, she is discussing writing letters to her daughters for all of their upcoming birthdays and special occasions for which she will not be present.

So what changed? I mean, really, think about it. What changed in one week other than her loss of determination? She lost her will to live, to fight, to beat the odds. I am so sad and angry. Until now, her 12 year old twins had no clue she was dying. What a burden to send with them on their first day of seventh grade. My guess is that she will live up to her death sentence. Her will to live is gone. She has, however, agreed to try this last ditch effort of a chemo trial. She does not hold any hope as she once did. I can see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. She is defeated.

I love her and cannot think of life without her. She was my first friend when we moved to this town. As our next door neighbor, she invited us to their 4th of July party. I had not met her but my husband had. He said," you are going to like her, she seems really nice". We became friends almost instantly. She is so open and warm. She loves to cook and we have been her guinea pigs many times as she was trying out a new recipe. She is a wonderful cook and I can honestly say that most have been a success. I have learned many new dishes from her. She readily accepted B-man and has occasionally sat with him so Buddy and I could have a date night. We have celebrated most holidays with them and they have become not only our friends and neighbors but we consider them family as well. So how will I deal with the loss of this most important person in my life? I do not know how I will ever manage but for now, she is here and I will celebrate each day that she is alive.