Dreamweaver

Sometimes the nights can be long and seemingly endless. When sleep does come it will often bring sweet little pleasures such as dreaming of my precious B-man. I love when this happens. Once, I could even smell his fuzzy head. Yes, I am aware that I did not actually smell him but my senses memory did. I believe we are allowed small visits like this to make the loss a little bit more bearable. Being his mother was my most important job and I was fired all too soon. Often, when I lie awake in bed at night surrounded by the darkness, I allow myself the luxury of a good cry. My bed is my safe zone. A place where I am able to allow all of those raw emotions to roam freely for a while before reigning them in again for the daytime. I think his memory comes to me more in the night because I spent so many sleepless nights caring for his many medical needs alone in the dark. He and I had a long history of hanging out together watching infomercials or Nick At Night reruns while the nebulizer hummed in the background or feedings drip, drip, dripped. I would not take anything for those lost zzz's. Now my nights are deafeningly quiet and all I'm left with is the sound of my own heartbeat. A constant reminder that it is not normal to outlive your child. Yet, here I am. I address this in my spin-off blog and explain how this is a new beginning for my husband and I. Each night I lie down, my prayers are for a small glimpse of what my life used to be. It really is true, you never know what you have until it's gone.....